So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
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This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
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Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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