Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
