There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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