Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
