my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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