At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
