I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
