Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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