There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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