I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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