We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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