I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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