My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
