I feel like abortions should bother me more
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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