How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
