You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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