I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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