I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
