The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
