Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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