I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
