I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
