he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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