first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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