i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
