im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
