i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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