im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
