What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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