So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
