i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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