I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
