dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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