Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
