What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
