Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
