I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
