is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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