Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
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