Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
