Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
