apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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