It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
God I need to hump something, right now.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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