When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Randomize
