wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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