nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
