Buhtt sex?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
