I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
