Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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