I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
