There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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