Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
