me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The beer is more important than you right now.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
There's always time for handjobs
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
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