dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
