I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize