There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
