planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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