If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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