took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
