bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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