Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
