I like my sex mixed with concussions.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
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